Life has a funny way of revealing your possibilities. In my undergrad studies, I've taken a variety of fine art courses, painting and drawing included. My grades for painting was a low pass, the lowest mark I've ever received in my university career. My art instructor was an outspoken feminist that carried a carefreeness which I envied. But I soon realized what it means when people say art is objective. She didn't like my work. Feeling a bit discouraged, I moved on and shifted my focus in acing other courses that "mattered" and could help me make money in the future (Business? Management? Who am I kidding).
Sometime later, I decided to continue painting. Not only did I make sure I was enrolled in the painting course with a friend, but I made sure I knew the instructor and his aesthetics as well. I was bound to do well (so I thought). In the end, I got an unimpressive mark. Reflecting on it now, I realized what went wrong. I was constantly looking for shortcuts so I can use the least amount of effort to reach maximum results. Never bothered for details when I can hand in assignments looking somewhat "done".
Trying hard and acting smart got me nowhere. I never continued painting after that, which also led me to the assumption that I would suck at drawing too. Everyone had to take a drawing class to fulfill credit requirements, so I put it off until the summer of my senior year. My thinking was, if it was going to suck, at least it would be over in a short span of 2 months. Surprisingly, I thrived and loved every moment of it. My biggest regret was not taking drawing earlier on. I walked in battered and doubtful but walked out with a great confidence boost thinking it's never too late.
False Frames | 9"x12" | oil on wood canvas
I feel like art for me will always be a journey to find long lost love. Sometimes people might not like or respect it, and in turn, you lose respect for yourself. Sometimes the problem are from within and you're not courageous enough to say "yeah I can do it". Many turns and events after, the fact remains, I'm back to what I've always denied myself to but secretly wanted. Nobody's keeping score this time, no instructors to please and no shortcuts to success. Life truly has a funny way of paving the way. I believe this is the exact feeling I'm trying to portray in this painting. Regardless how bright the outlook is ahead of us, we can't help it but to keep your guard up, tread carefully and not looking straight on.
2015 overwhelemed me with a kind of peace I've never felt before. I'm finding a new rhythm and slowly transitioning into the groove of things. I can tell my body likes it, I feel physically lighter and my skin's thanking me. Just half a cup of coffee and some good mixes fuels me for the entire day. My mind is quiet, like a blank canvas, and I think I've figured out my next creative project.
Boy meets girl.
He fancied her. She respected him. They became good friends. The more they learned about each other, the closer their hearts connect. Friendship blossomed into romance, they fell in love.
But what is love? Boy thought he knew while the girl had no clue. They spent the next 6 years together to find out.
There were many good times. He gets her and she understood him even without any exchange of words. There were always lots of teasing, laughter and joy. They felt at ease and comforted with each other's presence. He was her safeguard and companion, she was his confidante and day-brightener. They make up for what each other lack. They stuck together, like glue.
There were also bad times, where she drove him to the edge while he pushed her buttons. Stubbornness and pride taught them a valuable lesson about sacrifice and forgiveness. Other times, there were insecurities and doubt that swept in and out of their hearts. Still, they sailed through all of that. The constant tug and pull made them stronger. They changed their ways to become not as a better couple, but better human beings.
After many small journeys together, boy changed his outlook and expectations on what he thought love was suppose to be. On the other hand, girl learned to toss away naivety and social ideals out of the window in order to build this relationship like mature adults.
They knew the love they had for each other was deeper and more complex than they could ever define. It's not perfect or glamourous, but it's got everything they wanted because they have each other. Boy wished for nobody else but her, and girl couldn't imagine her life without him. They're ready for a lifetime together.
Boy asked for her hand.
"Yes babe, of course, for you've already stole my heart long ago. You are mine and I am yours." She says.
I'll forever remember this day, the 10th day of the 10th month. He promised me oysters and the world.
Thanks Joe, Reina and Lester for making this magical moment possible!
A big thing just happened in my life last week (eek!), but that deserves its own dedicated post and photos, so I won't elaborate too much now. I'm still recovering from all the excitment and chaos that happened in the last two weeks. Since it's a super calming Monday and I'm just housewatching, perfect time to edit and upload some outdoorsy shots I've captured recently (recent as in September recent). Apparently, that's all I've been doing last month: cottage, parks, trails and hikes. Then, October came and went like a giant tornado thanks to a special someone, but more on that lovely story later.
Sidewalk snapshot and my own handwriting that abviously needs a lot of work
I originally had so many words written, but later erased them all because I decided that was too much bitching. I think what I really wanted to say to my future and present self is: accept your vulnerabilities and accept that things aren't easy.
Let's face it, it's hard to always be kind and remember to put on a smile. Given the circumstances, you can't be the patient, considerate girlfriend or the generous, caring friend you'd like to be. Of course, you won't be the perfect trophy daughter simply overnight. Most of all, it's almost impossible to please others while making yourself happy.
So instead of asking myself why I haven't achieved the above and beating myself up for it, why not stop thinking that there's any "problem" to fix. My body, mind and soul's always evolving and growing. It may not look pretty now, and it may feel difficult to move on, but accept that being vulnerable is part of me, and who I am now. It's an important perspective that I need to come to terms with. Hell, it'll probably take me a lifetime to figure it out how to be a decent human being. So throw this idealized self out of the window because the world will constantly change and surprise you with unforseen events. It's not an excuse to stop trying, but a realization that no perfectionism can patch up the infinite vulnerabilities in our hearts.
Finally surfaced above doubts, feeling above this, she came around
Cause she's a goddess, finally saw this.
And now you're back, trying to claim her cause she's gone and now without her
You're all alone, cause she's a goddess.
You shoulda saw this
BANKS - Goddess
Late night doodle of this sexy girl, I had fun with her hair. Photograph of sunset from Rouge Park Beach, Scarborough.
Summer's sadly over, so I dealt with it the only way I could, by moving towards the sun. I migrated from my dark, chilly dungeon in the basement to a first floor room with big windows. I thought it's about time to get some sunshine after 2 years in the cave. I also took this opportunity to clear out my wardrobe and reorganized my closet. I was very determined to get rid of at least half of my clothing because I knew I'm just hoarding all the "maybe-but-really-I'll-never-wear-this" pieces that are in truth wasting space. If I do a clear out each time as the seasons turn, I should be left with a capsule wardrobe by next summer (Thanks for the inspiration Vivianna)! Less is really more isn't it. Other things that peaked my interest lately:
Loving: This double gold fern necklace design, hand crafted in London by a husband and wife team. Pet lovers beware, this 9am collection from Good After Nine jewllery too adorable.
Wanting: I love multipurpose items that you can use both indoor or outdoor, in both cityscape or mother nature. On the list to buy are these Cotopaxi backpacks and Rumpl blankets. Also, the otaku in me really want these cat ear headphones, you know, just for fun.
Listening: Year & Years, Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran are on repeat. They all have this soulful, melodic male vocal that's like midnight lullabies to my ears
Learning: To make lists. Not just to-do lists, but lists of things you've done well and lists related to #universe, #travel or even your #darkestsecrets. It's a good reminder of how you've established to be the person you are today and who you'd like to be onward.
Watching: The Mindy Project gets me through days where I just need a little more cheer and carefreeness. I first got hooked with this video, but the blog over at The New Potato is even better.
Reading: This girl and her stories are so down to earth, definitely worth a read over at Style The Natives. Every photograph from ThisIsPaper has been carefully composed and selected to tell a story, I love it.