State of Mind

Forever isn't for everyone, is forever for you?
It sounds like settling down or giving up, but it don't sound much like you girl
Under a spell you're hypnotized, darling how could you be so blind
I wanna grab both your shoulders and shake baby, snap out of it.

Late night drawing while listening to Arctic Monkeys. Orginial photo from SF cityscape

05.03.2014

I've finally gotten over a nasty flu and recovering. Back to healthy eating habits, keeping myself active, and best of all, slowly transitioning into an invigorating and unwavering state of mind to make the most out of any life situation (Yeah!).

This state of mind wasn't easy to come by. It took many coffees and philosophical exchanges with my best friend, where I realized that my anxiety and frustration have been rooting from the inability to fill a specific void - a sadness or bitterness even, that life's puzzle pieces hasn't fall into place for me yet as it has for others. I cannot see the overall picture of where things are going, potentially going or if it's going anywhere. Worst, pieces aren't matching, I don't fit - whether it be at work or at social settings. I've acknowledged it for months, had come to terms with it, and now it's just a sadness or void that lingers. Simply put, I've been consumed by panic and anxiety over being out of place and ultimately lost a sense of purpose in the daily grind, where things have become a means to an end. It is boring, static and awfully tasteless.

So the bigger question is, what am I going to do about it? Well, starting from something small. Get back in shape, keep art-ing and think positively. I have every power to change but not enough courage and willpower. Hence, I'm accumulating strength so that I can muster that courage or confidence for a brighter outlook. It's not going to be easy but "feeling good" could stem from as simple as a bowl of salad or a 5 minute doodle. I need to take the lead, where ever my body or mind is going, lost or falling, I will be mindful of the situation, not to control it, make sense of it or enduring it hoping it's a phase quickly to pass. Instead change situations, something so conditional and "it is how it is", to challenges that can be worked to overcome easily with the correct state of mind. Therefore, I'm bottle up all my uncertainty into a jar and always close it with the lid of what I call a positive twist.

I believe this way, I'll treat myself right and at least feel more alive.

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